


the average hobbit eats seven hats in their lifetime

by mornen



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Cultural Differences, Family, Fluff, Gen, Humor, No Plot/Plotless, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25781368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mornen/pseuds/mornen
Summary: During Bilbo’s first visit to Rivendell there is a cake ranking and some surprises occur~
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	the average hobbit eats seven hats in their lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> set in my au where Celebrían was never captured~ (and also Eluréd and Elurín are those half-elven kin of Elrond mentioned in the draft of lotr)

Elrond pulled Celebrían onto his lap as she passed him. 

‘All right,’ he said. ‘I have three cakes and you have to decide which is the best cake.’ 

‘It’s the chocolate one,’ said Estel. 

‘It’s definitely the raspberry,’ put in Erestor. 

‘Yes, definitely raspberry,’ said Eluréd. 

‘No, it’s the chocolate,’ said Elurín. 

‘It’s clearly the yellow cake,’ Bilbo piped up. It was his first visit to Rivendell and he was going on an adventure through lands he didn’t know to do a task he knew nothing about and he didn’t know anyone there well, but he did know cake, so he said it with all the confidence a hobbit in a strange land can muster. (It’s a lot of confidence.) 

Elrond squeezed Celebrían tightly and rested his chin on her shoulder. 

‘What do you think?’ 

Celebrían looked at the three cakes on the table in the garden in front of her. She figured that Elrond was quite comfortable with Bilbo now as he was being so familiar with her in his company. He tended to be a bit shy. 

‘A pitiful judgement,’ Gandalf said to Bilbo. ‘It is the chocolate, and I stake my hat on that.’ 

‘Wait,’ Elrond said. ‘Who wins your hat?’ 

‘Well who made the cakes?’ Gandalf said. 

‘I made the cakes,’ Elrond replied. 

‘Well then you win the hat,’ Gandalf said. ‘It the chocolate does not win by vote of popularity.’ 

‘Good!’ Estel said. 

‘So then shall Ada have your magic hat?’ Elladan asked. 

‘What makes you think it’s a magic hat?’ 

‘Gandalf, you surely wouldn’t wear a non-magic hat.’ 

‘You know very little about my hat choices, my dear boy.’ 

‘On the contrary,’ said Elladan. ‘I have brought you three hats from my travels, and you have loved them all.’ 

‘And were they all magic?’ 

‘Of course they were magic. You wouldn’t wear a non magic hat.’ 

Gandalf snorted. 

‘Just shows what you know.’ 

‘No, no, no, don’t fight,’ said Elrond. He shifted Celebrían closer to him. ‘I want to win Gandalf’s magic hat.’ 

Gandalf snorted again. 

‘So we shall see which cake wins.’ 

‘Which one did you like best, Gilraen?’ Elrond asked.

‘The yellow one,’ Gilraen answered. 

‘Horrible choice, Mama,’ Estel said. 

‘Yes,’ Gandalf said. ‘Now they’ll all vote against the chocolate so that Elrond will win my hat.’ 

‘That’s assuming that everyone wants Elrond to win that dusty old thing,’ Elrohir teased. 

‘I think everyone does,’ Erestor said. 

‘At least he’d wash it,’ Glorfindel added. 

Lindir laughed. 

‘Indeed!’ 

‘Well there’s no need to worry,’ Elrond said. ‘For only Celebrían remains to judge. As it stands, all the cakes are currently tied at eight votes each. Celebrían is our tie breaker. Go on, dearest.’ 

Celebrían picked up her fork. She tried the raspberry first. It was sweet and tart and delightfully fragrant, with just a bit of butter. 

‘It’s excellent,’ she said to Elrond. 

‘Of course it’s excellent,’ Glorfindel said. ‘Elrond made it.’ 

‘She’s not an impartial judge,’ Gandalf said. 

‘Literally no one set you up to this,’ Elrond said. He waved his finger at Gandalf in a very fatherly fashion, which is a bit ridiculous considering how much older Gandalf was. ‘So don’t complain.’ 

‘Yes, don’t complain,’ Elladan said because he liked to scold Gandalf at any opportunity. 

Gandalf snorted. But he did not have a leg to stand on, so he sat firmly on his seat and waited to see if he’d lose his hat to his dear friend Elrond, who, of course, would take it. Because he was first and foremost a brat, which was all Maglor’s fault. And of all the deeds that Maglor had done, the most vexing. For it was, of course, the deed that most personally annoyed Gandalf, as it was sitting across from Gandalf, waving a finger at him in a very fatherly fashion. Gandalf sunk back in his chair and pulled the brim of his hat low. 

Celebrían tried the yellow cake next. It was soft and vanilla flavoured with a warmth of butter and a fluffy chocolate frosting speckled with nonpareils that gave it a tiny little crunch. 

‘It’s wonderful!’ Celebrían said. ‘And as sweet as my darling.’ She kissed Elrond’s cheek, which caused him to blush quite hard. He hid his face against her shoulder. 

‘Hmm.’ 

Celebrían smiled, delighted with herself, and reached for the chocolate cake. 

Gandalf watched her with narrowed eyes. 

The chocolate cake was delicious too, no doubt, but the flavour was quite uniform, and the frosting a little too stiff. But just a little, it was after all, Elrond’s cake. 

‘It’s good,’ she said, ‘but—‘ 

And with that a cheer went up from the ‘crowd.’ 

‘Ada wins Gandalf’s hat!’ Estel cried, jumping up from his spot on the ground. ‘Hurrah!’ 

‘There was no verdict!’ Gandalf shouted above the cheer. ‘She hasn’t made a judgement!’ 

‘Yellow,’ Celebrían said. ‘I vote for the yellow cake.’ 

Glorfindel clapped his hands together. 

‘Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!’ he started. 

‘Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!’ Estel joined in. 

Elrohir kept rhythm on his leg with his hands as he did not have his drum on him, or he would have started to drum. As it was, he was quite disappointed that he hadn’t remembered it. 

Celebrían laughed wickedly. 

‘Your hat, Mithrandir!’ 

Elrond held his hand out. 

‘My dear.’ 

Gandalf glowered but took his hat off a head of very messy hair and handed it over to the wretched Peredhel. 

‘I hope you’re happy.’ 

‘Oh, I am.’ 

‘At least you didn’t say you’d eat your hat,’ Bilbo said. 

‘Why would I say I’d eat my hat?’ Gandalf said. 

‘Oh, it’s a very common saying in the Shire,’ Bilbo said.

‘Of course it’s a very common saying in the Shire,’ Gandalf said at the same time as Erestor said, ‘Why is that a very common saying in the Shire?’ and Glorfindel said, ‘My stars, I have to visit the Shire!’ 

‘Hobbits eat hats?’ Elrond said slowly. ‘What do you make them out of?’ 

‘No, it’s a saying,’ Bilbo said. ‘A saying. We don’t actually eat hats in the Shire.’ 

‘Is that why you have the teeth?’ Thorin said, coming up on the end of the conversation. ‘For eating hats?’ 

‘No, we don’t eat hats!’ Bilbo protested. He was a bit too flustered to remember to ask what exactly Thorin meant about his teeth.

‘No, they eat hats if they lose a bet,’ Elladan explained to Thorin. ‘It’s not a snack.’ 

‘Well, it might be a snack if you’re very hungry,’ Celebrían said. 

‘I said we don’t eat hats!’ Bilbo said. ‘You say that if you’re sure something won’t happen.’ 

They all stared at him for a while. 

‘So how many hats does the average hobbit eat in their lifetime?’ Lindir asked. 

‘None!’ Bilbo said, getting a bit red in the face. ‘We don’t eat hats!’ 

‘Well, then,’ Elladan said. ‘How many hats have you eaten personally?’ 

‘I’ve never eaten a hat!’ 

‘Does Gandalf’s hat look especially delicious or completely unappetising?’ Elrond asked, settling it on his head, carefully to avoid his crown of stars that were just floating around his head with absolutely no explanation whatsoever. Well, it was probably magic.

‘Unappetising!’ Bilbo almost shouted, but not quite, he was still a Baggins. 

‘See, Gandalf,’ Elrond said. ‘Your hat is even unappetising to a hat-eater.’ 

‘I am not a hat-eater,’ Bilbo said. 

‘Then why would you say you were?’ Erestor asked. 

‘I never said I was a hat-eater. I just said that in the Shire, there is saying that goes, “I will eat my hat.”’ Bilbo paused. Now he heard it. ‘Seven,’ he said. ‘The average hobbit eats seven hats in their lifetime.’ 

‘Ahh,’ went up from the audience. 

Bilbo nodded firmly. 

‘Seven,’ he said again. ‘But I’ve eaten ten.’ 

‘Ooh,’ said Estel. ‘Ten!’ 

‘Yes,’ Bilbo said, standing up to his full height, which might have been impressive in the Shire, but here meant he could maybe come up to Thorin’s nose. ‘Ten whole hats!’ 

‘You must be feared in the Shire!’ Estel said. 

‘Of course,’ Bilbo said. 

Celebrían would have fallen off Elrond’s lap laughing if he had been holding her a bit more loosely. As it was, the force of her laughter knocked her across his lap and half onto Glorfindel’s lap. Glorfindel patted her back, afraid she was choking. 

‘Darling!’ Elrond said. 

‘Ten hats,’ Celebrían said between breaths. ‘Our esteemed guest has eaten ten hats! These cakes must be a relief to you, Mr Baggins.’ 

‘Oh, indeed,’ Bilbo said. ‘Not a hat in the world like Elrond’s cakes.’ 

‘That’s not even slightly a compliment,’ Glorfindel said. 

‘Hats,’ Thorin said. ‘You eat hats.’ 

‘Well, hobbits are peculiar creatures,’ Gandalf said.


End file.
